Last week, I started panicking that nothing was ready and nothing was right, everything was dirty and disgusting and felt alone. I was scared. My heart was racing, my breathing was laboured, my head was reeling. I just couldn't stop. I couldn't get my heart rate down, the baby was freaking out and I couldn't get my breathing under control. I felt sick to my stomach and I more than emptied my bowls. I had a bath at 1am and woke up Matt just to get someone to talk to me about ANYTHING. I felt like I had no coping strategy and had lost it. Eventually I relaxed enough to fall into a fitful sleep and start a new the next morning.
I was having contractions. Not birth contractions. But my uterus was definitely contracting and I could feel this new sensation which is actually a bit painful.. where I conceptualize it as the baby... tunneling her way down. I can only imagine in my head that that feeling is her making progress, getting further wedged in there preparing for her voyage. With this new sensation came the reality, we were not ready. I freaked. Admittedly, I'd been procrastinating as a way of passing the time before birth. It was time to get serious so I consulted my list and we started preparing. Car seats, signage, letters to the neighbours, emergency phone numbers, etc. Then I got excited. Oohh she could be coming soon. Then the excitement and fear all mixed together into a panicking out of control mess. On top of all the things that impending birth, parents going on holidays soon, my midwife on holiday right now, feeling the weight of birthing at home, I was also feeling the immense unknown of having two babies. I know it will work out, but I just don't know what it's going to be like and that's what scares me the most. I'm not worried about the new baby at all. My dreams confirmed it. I'm worried about Rowan's transition.
|tank top, outside, sunshine and gameboy|
Since, I've had a midwife appointment where I talked about how I was feeling. I put my fears out there and I also made a list of the things within my control that I can get ready for our birth. The fact that the sun is shining and we're getting some nicer temperatures is lifting my spirits like crazy. In all honesty, there isn't much on the list that we NEED in order to give birth. I'm just waiting on the tub. I realized some of my thoughts were super irrational. Who cares if behind the stove isn't clean? I kinda care about the toilet being clean in case I'm stuck puking into it, but really, we can give birth in a house that isn't perfectly tidy and there's now way I can keep up the tidiness to my standard for birth every day and night. My midwife and student midwife reminded me there was a lot I could do to control things in the birth.
The biggest reassurance for me was that they were there for me. If I needed help with breathing through contractions or if I was panicking, they would absolutely do that for me. I think that's all I needed to hear. With Rowan I hyperventilated and had a rough time getting through the pain of contractions without any extra drugs. Understandable, but not easy. I just have to keep channeling that this birth is a different birth and I'm going through it with a ton of supportive people around me.
|my birth mix, deliciously sweet, salty and packed full of protein!|
With that in mind, I've been much less panicky. I've been crossing things off my list and making sure to take time to just chill. I'd love to share about my birth closet, because I'm pretty excited about it, and of course, document with a few more photos the changes to my body. Matt is finished working with the university for a bit, so we'll have more time together which I think is essential. I've been missing him and I think he needs to rest up too. I'm not sure how much more blogging I'll do before Baby E arrives, as I do want to make sure to unplug and rest, but I'm hoping to squeak out a few more posts on this crazy crazy adventure.