There's more. Part of the reason this blog space has been so quiet is because I don't have time for it. I knew I was going to pull back on writing to figure a few things out. To sort out where I want this blog to go, but also so that my relationships with my husband and my children and even my relationship with myself could heal and grow.
I'll be honest, I feel like I'm drowning.
We were hit with that horrible gastro that's going. As if in synch with the virus, immediately, my entire world crumbled all around me. Everything was chaos and shit and I was losing my mind and making really dumb decisions. Matt and I were fighting, TV was on ALL the time and we've been blowing tons of money on convenience foods and eating out. I locked myself out of the van TWICE in a week. Matt and I are not connecting anymore and sometimes we aren't even talking. We'll be ok. But this time in our lives is rough. I even reached out for help with the kiddos, but for one reason or another, the grandparents weren't able to assist. I grumbled and accepted and I get it but I don't like it either. I feel like we both need a break from the responsibilities of life.
Thank the universe for friends. They pulled me up, they fed me, they cleaned for me, they fed the dog for me. They gave me time to breathe.
I'm still struggling. I think a lot of the turmoil in our lives is because of me.
Can you relate?
We sat down and instead of nit picking and getting into it, I expressed what I was feeling in terms of needing more emotional support from him, and we also re-scheduled our lives. Because Matt is doing his PhD and needs a lot of time to devote, but we have to juggle my work schedule, we've come up with a new schedule for our family.
Now we have a 1/2 day a week where we are both off together so we can tag team and get important tasks done around the house. Otherwise either one of us is working. I want to create a date night for us too but there's always something that we need to get done in order to just live... We're moving houses this week. I think once we're moved in and everything is in it's place, a weight will be lifted. Financially we're finally ok and breaking even instead of scraping our savings. But we're always worried that's going to change. So I'm going to take a few liberties and spend a little bit more than we're used to this Christmas. I just feel like we could use the boost. It's not even on fun things either - just practical stuff like socks without holes!
I'm trying so hard to be an independent, strong, creative woman. It's so important to me not to let this go but I feel like this need is overwhelming my marriage. I'm recognizing how much I take from Matt in order to be this independent woman. Sometimes I get so fucking pissed. I hate to group any gender together on any subject, but I don't think men understand how hard we have to fight as women to be in these positions as mamas and business owners and creative individuals and as one of the few women in our community who actually speak up when things are wrong! How do I juggle this with being an equal partner in my marriage?
In order to manage I've been trying to be uber supportive of Matt, but I think it's turning into treating him like one of my children - so that's not working either.
Any advice on how else I can keep my independence and sense of self but also keep my marriage? ha...ha... ha?