05/01/2015

Moving On

love this photo from our friend Kelly's instagram account. Thanks Kelly!
I've been hinting at it for some time now, but I'm moving on. I wanted to find a space that I could grow with over my lifetime. I've never felt like being a mama is all that I am, and, since this blog was centered on that, I got a little bit stuck. Since moving to Peterborough and really immersing myself in this community, I've discovered some pretty amazing people and am developing some amazing and sincere ways to connect which has lead me to start a new venture. Alongside my very dear friend and reader of this blog, Jenn, we've launched ohsonourished.com 

We wanted to share what we learn as we try to connect people and places which foster mutual support and personal connection. We've worked hard over the past few months to really figure out what it is we want to do and plan out our journey (we're on a 5 year plan at the moment!). It is our hope that Oh So Nourished will allow us to feel safe to share, to be open, and to encourage one another to live a happy, simple and full lives.

I encourage you to follow my journey here.

I also want to thank you sincerely for following me so far and for all of your support and encouragement when I needed it most. Mama Haze was so fun! I really enjoyed blogging here and pushing myself to be a better mama and a better person. I don't think I would be at this point in my life so quickly without this outlet and without your support.

Thank you, my friends.

--Steph

23/12/2014

Looking Back on 2014


What an incredible year this has been. It has been a year of letting go, a year of total growth and a struggle. It has been a year of making community and putting down roots. It has been a year of working shit out in my marriage and reducing my everything-else-in-life-projects to a minimum and as we come to a close on 2014, I can say without a doubt it has most certainly been a year of survival. Lotta coffee lately.

Here are my highlights:

Creatively, I began to explore maternity photography, starting with myself, and thought a lot about how I could be creative through my own art. Love and Anchor had a fabulous year of weddings and I look forward to the future of our business.

Our family grew as we welcomed Elsa Mae into our lives. There was a lot of anxiety over how I was going to manage everything with two children, but we've lived through it and it is hard, but lovely. I'm definitely continuing my mission to normalize breastfeeding. I was called a whore on instagram by a troll which sparked some passionate responses in myself and my friends. I also participated in a normalizing breastfeeding campaign with our local breastfeeding coalition and my photo will be featured in a campaign throughout the city in the new year.

Matt started his PhD in the fall and I went back to work in a different field - as a photographer in a maternity studio. It's been amazing but has also most definitely brought a whole new realm of stress into our lives. I think we're both thriving and simultaneously burning the wick at both ends. I know it's creating an amazing future our family.

I don't want to dwell too much in the past because I have a really exciting project to share with you. Stay tuned over the next few days for more info!

Thank you to you all for your support throughout 2014. There were times where I desperately needed you and appreciated your comments more than I can convey. May you're days be merry and bright and may you have a fantastic holiday break with your families.

xxoo

--Steph





29/11/2014

Feeling like I'm drowning.

I feel this blog has always been a space where I can share, especially when it's a topic not many of us tend to talk about. It should be a safe space, and I think it is, but I still recognize that I'm putting personal details out there on the internet. Now that I live in a small town (ok, it's pretty similar to Halifax, but I used to live here for 6 years, so it feels different), details of my life can really circulate the community and I can come face to face with them in real life a thousand times more often. Blogging was such an amazing escape and a place to vent and just put things out there, but now it has real life consequences that can affect my income and my family. So far, it's been incredibly positive, but that's just what people are sharing with me.... So I've been toying with saying goodbye to Mama Haze.

There's more. Part of the reason this blog space has been so quiet is because I don't have time for it. I knew I was going to pull back on writing to figure a few things out. To sort out where I want this blog to go, but also so that my relationships with my husband and my children and even my relationship with myself could heal and grow.


I'll be  honest, I feel like I'm drowning.

We were hit with that horrible gastro that's going. As if in synch with the virus, immediately, my entire world crumbled all around me. Everything was chaos and shit and I was losing my mind and making really dumb decisions. Matt and I were fighting, TV was on ALL the time and we've been blowing tons of money on convenience foods and eating out. I locked myself out of the van TWICE in a week. Matt and I are not connecting anymore and sometimes we aren't even talking. We'll be ok. But this time in our lives is rough. I even reached out for help with the kiddos, but for one reason or another, the grandparents weren't able to assist. I grumbled and accepted and I get it but I don't like it either. I feel like we both need a break from the responsibilities of life.

Thank the universe for friends. They pulled me up, they fed me, they cleaned for me, they fed the dog for me. They gave me time to breathe.

I'm still struggling. I think a lot of the turmoil in our lives is because of me.

Can you relate?

We sat down and instead of nit picking and getting into it, I expressed what I was feeling in terms of needing more emotional support from him, and we also re-scheduled our lives. Because Matt is doing his PhD and needs a lot of time to devote, but we have to juggle my work schedule, we've come up with a new schedule for our family.

Now we have a 1/2 day a week where we are both off together so we can tag team and get important tasks done around the house. Otherwise either one of us is working.  I want to create a date night for us too but there's always something that we need to get done in order to just live... We're moving houses this week. I think once we're moved in and everything is in it's place, a weight will be lifted. Financially we're finally ok and breaking even instead of scraping our savings. But we're always worried that's going to change. So I'm going to take a few liberties and spend a little bit more than we're used to this Christmas. I just feel like we could use the boost. It's not even on fun things either - just practical stuff like socks without holes!

I'm trying so hard to be an independent, strong, creative woman. It's so important to me not to let this go but I feel like this need is overwhelming my marriage. I'm recognizing how much I take from Matt in order to be this independent woman. Sometimes I get so fucking pissed. I hate to group any gender together on any subject, but I don't think men understand how hard we have to fight as women to be in these positions as mamas and business owners and creative individuals and as one of the few women in our community who actually speak up when things are wrong! How do I juggle this with being an equal partner in my marriage?

In order to manage I've been trying to be uber supportive of Matt, but I think it's turning into treating him like one of my children - so that's not working either.

Any advice on how else I can keep my independence and sense of self but also keep my marriage? ha...ha... ha?

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