We went for Rowan's 4 month check up the other day and his weight was in the 25th percentile weighing in at 12lbs 14oz. This was shocking to me. He looks SO big compared to our last appointment at two months. How is it possible he's only gained 2lbs? Maybe she took the numbers down wrong. I still have to take him over to Shoppers to use their scale and double check.....
But that's not really what bothers me. As his mom, I really feel like he's doing so well, but the doctor planted this horrible seed of doubt in my fragile Mama brain. When she questioned my milk production, I started questioning breastfeeding and then everything else. My Mama claws came out when the doctor wanted to know if I was producing enough milk for him. OF COURSE I WAS! But then I wondered. All these events from the past couple of weeks were flooding through my mind. Had I missed all of these signs that something was wrong? I was hesitant to share through my blog or on facebook. I really didn't want to see anyones comments and unsolicited advice as to what the "problem" was. I already felt like a failure and I couldn't bear anyone else pointing out more ways I had gone wrong.
So I obsessively started evaluating our behaviour and our sleep and feeding patterns while holding back the tears.
He has been doing this horrible screamy thing before he goes to bed - maybe it's because he's hungry. My baby doesn't want to sleep because he's starving and he's trying to tell me with his hysterical screams.
He's been pulling away while breastfeeding too. He feeds for a few seconds and then whines and pulls away and starts crying. Sometimes I can't even get him to go back on. I was taking it as he was finished or not hungry but maybe it's something else.
What's let down? *GOOGLE* Do I have this? Maybe
this is it. I don't ever feel it. I don't think I do.
I'm scared that there really is a problem with breastfeeding and that it's really not going as well as I thought. I was so impressed with myself, thought I was a breastfeeding champ. Rowan latches on really well, and when he isn't pulling away, we have some great feeds. I can hear really good swallow-sucks and I can see the milk pooling in his mouth and sometimes dribbling out the side.
UGH! I just don't know. I feel like I'm out of it. There are few days of clarity.
Just a little while ago we had a good thing going. He was sleeping well. We had a routine of feeds and naps. He has awesome motor control of his head and hands and he laughs at my antics. Then everything changed. He started waking up a lot throughout the night. He started doing this horrible whiny screaming crying thing, and he started pulling away from breast during feedings. There are times when even my boob can't soothe him and it breaks my heart.
I know, I know. Developmental milestones, right?
I just really don't want to have to pump or supplement. Pumping is these most stressful thing next to listening to Rowan cry. The doctor did say he's very active and attentive and maybe he just needs more calories, which, if I think about it, is probably true. I did end up seeking Mama advice on facebook today and got a pretty good pool of experience and advice to draw from. Mom suggested baby cereal, but then Tara reminded me of my goals and encouraged me to stick with breastfeeding and consult an expert first before I go off all willynilly trying manufactured shiz when I produce the best thing for him on my own. I think Mom's right. He is hungrier than normal, but he's not screaming all day long because he's starving.
It's so hard not to be discouraged.I think feeding either in bed or in the rocking chair will help me relax just as much as him, perhaps solving my let down issue. I told Matt he has to take a shift tonight because I'm just too damn tired. If I get some sleep it will help me actually be present and able to see patterns in his behaviour rather than just slogging it through the day. In the mean time, I've been feeding him when he wakes up and before he naps just to get in as much as I can. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I'm hoping the lactation consultant will help me figure that out.
So, for the next few days I'm going to try and stay positive, focusing on relaxing and solely on Rowan while we're breastfeeding. All I can do is trust myself and believe that I can do it.
Love, Mama
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ReplyDeleteI agree that you shouldn't supplement if you don't have to and I think that you are doing an amazing job. When you call formula 'manufactured shiz' it makes Mamma's that bottle fed feel kinda crappy.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you should supplement if you don't have to and I think you are doing an amazing job with Rowan. When you say you don't want to give him 'manufactured shiz' it makes us Momma's that bottle fed feel a little crappy. Rowan is the cutest baby ever and he will grow in his time. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Court! I meant the cereal, not forumla when I said manufactured shiz. I'm learning more and more that you just do what you gotta do as a Mama. But my goals are to stay as natural as possible and not resort to something that isn't breast milk if I don't have to. Does that make sense? I feel like I vomited all over the virtual page up there!
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. I have to say that 25th percentile isn't actually THAT bad.
ReplyDeletei do agree w Tara- you should see if you can't chat with the public health nurse or lactation consultant. and i also agree that if he's crying all day, it's unlikely because he's hungry all day- since you do feed him. it might be useful to see what they (public health nurse and or lactation consultant) say...
ok- so i know i just shared this everywhere for you-but in case some readers here would like the scoop: a Haligonian nurse describes her frustrations with the current weight measuring system in Canadian health care and the (undue) pressure it places on breastfeeding mamas. I highly recommend the read:
ReplyDeletehttp://mikmaqmama.weebly.com/1/post/2012/05/great-theory-poor-practice.html
You are an amazing mom, and every child is different...and Drs DONT always know everything.
ReplyDeleteI found that the main thing with becoming a mom was that again, you need to follow your gut.
That being said, cereal isn't really that manufactured. Its the same as formula in the sense that they try to add in all the nutrients that the baby will need.
I know you want to stay as natural as possible, and after your appt with the lactation consultant you will know more.
Just know that you have a ton of other moms to talk to and get ideas bouncing around.
You are great Steph, and Rowan is happy and healthy and that's all that matters.
And if I learned 1 thing....those growth charts (and books at times) can make moms feel worse....so just keep that in mind too. I don't follow any of that anymore.
The only book I have is the baby whisperer, and I swear by it. (cause she isn't judgy and it isn't about "your child should be doing this at this age" if that makes sense)
Chin up mama....you are incredible.
I like the idea of talking with the public health nurse. I have a few other new mother things and I really loved the one who came to visit when Rowan was home from the hospital.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Sometimes you need to hear a few words of encouragement. I let myself down by not trusting my gut and I'm mad about that. I'm oh so happy that I know other mamas in my life, including my own, who are willing to help me. It means the world. I would be so lost without you guys.
ReplyDeleteI agree, those charts are stupid. Every baby is different and every family is different and we all just have to do what works for us. It's almost like apples and oranges to try and compare them.
Thank you for cheering me up!