We went for Rowan's 4 month check up the other day and his weight was in the 25th percentile weighing in at 12lbs 14oz. This was shocking to me. He looks SO big compared to our last appointment at two months. How is it possible he's only gained 2lbs? Maybe she took the numbers down wrong. I still have to take him over to Shoppers to use their scale and double check.....
But that's not really what bothers me. As his mom, I really feel like he's doing so well, but the doctor planted this horrible seed of doubt in my fragile Mama brain. When she questioned my milk production, I started questioning breastfeeding and then everything else. My Mama claws came out when the doctor wanted to know if I was producing enough milk for him. OF COURSE I WAS! But then I wondered. All these events from the past couple of weeks were flooding through my mind. Had I missed all of these signs that something was wrong? I was hesitant to share through my blog or on facebook. I really didn't want to see anyones comments and unsolicited advice as to what the "problem" was. I already felt like a failure and I couldn't bear anyone else pointing out more ways I had gone wrong.
So I obsessively started evaluating our behaviour and our sleep and feeding patterns while holding back the tears.
He has been doing this horrible screamy thing before he goes to bed - maybe it's because he's hungry. My baby doesn't want to sleep because he's starving and he's trying to tell me with his hysterical screams.
He's been pulling away while breastfeeding too. He feeds for a few seconds and then whines and pulls away and starts crying. Sometimes I can't even get him to go back on. I was taking it as he was finished or not hungry but maybe it's something else.
What's let down? *GOOGLE* Do I have this? Maybe
this is it. I don't ever feel it. I don't think I do.
I'm scared that there really is a problem with breastfeeding and that it's really not going as well as I thought. I was so impressed with myself, thought I was a breastfeeding champ. Rowan latches on really well, and when he isn't pulling away, we have some great feeds. I can hear really good swallow-sucks and I can see the milk pooling in his mouth and sometimes dribbling out the side.
UGH! I just don't know. I feel like I'm out of it. There are few days of clarity.
Just a little while ago we had a good thing going. He was sleeping well. We had a routine of feeds and naps. He has awesome motor control of his head and hands and he laughs at my antics. Then everything changed. He started waking up a lot throughout the night. He started doing this horrible whiny screaming crying thing, and he started pulling away from breast during feedings. There are times when even my boob can't soothe him and it breaks my heart.
I know, I know. Developmental milestones, right?
I just really don't want to have to pump or supplement. Pumping is these most stressful thing next to listening to Rowan cry. The doctor did say he's very active and attentive and maybe he just needs more calories, which, if I think about it, is probably true. I did end up seeking Mama advice on facebook today and got a pretty good pool of experience and advice to draw from. Mom suggested baby cereal, but then Tara reminded me of my goals and encouraged me to stick with breastfeeding and consult an expert first before I go off all willynilly trying manufactured shiz when I produce the best thing for him on my own. I think Mom's right. He is hungrier than normal, but he's not screaming all day long because he's starving.
It's so hard not to be discouraged.I think feeding either in bed or in the rocking chair will help me relax just as much as him, perhaps solving my let down issue. I told Matt he has to take a shift tonight because I'm just too damn tired. If I get some sleep it will help me actually be present and able to see patterns in his behaviour rather than just slogging it through the day. In the mean time, I've been feeding him when he wakes up and before he naps just to get in as much as I can. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but I'm hoping the lactation consultant will help me figure that out.
So, for the next few days I'm going to try and stay positive, focusing on relaxing and solely on Rowan while we're breastfeeding. All I can do is trust myself and believe that I can do it.
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