A Lapse, I Know.

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words and comments. I was feeling very down but reading your words and speaking to family and friends made me feel much better. Reading helped to. This article, and this, and the thread on my facebook, a thread from the Mommy Resource group and the private messages from others. I think I just had a lapse. A lapse in my own judgement. I always trust my gut, but this time I let the doctor get the better of me. I was vulnerable. I felt powerless.

I think, when you're alone most of the day, especially the more difficult days, your mind wanders. You question yourself and your methods because you have no idea what's going on anymore. You're so tired. You're just going through the motions to survive the day. You're counting down the hours, the minutes, the seconds until someone else is there to help you. You get lost. You lose it.

I had a lapse.

And then I remembered.

I know my baby. I know he is doing well. That he is not underweight. Yes, he is breastfed. No, he is not a rolly polly baby. He takes after his lean Papa.

I know that he is very active. I know this because we play every day. He laughs and reaches and pulls at his toes. He uses his core to hold on to them as long as he can. He bounces. He coos. He stands. He holds. He reaches. He rolls. He watches. He pulls. He grabs.

I know that he expends a lot of energy because he is tired. Sometimes he is tired after only 40 minutes and other times over an hour. I know that this might mean he needs a few extra feedings.

I know that family doctors are so busy trying to meet the demand that they aren't up to date with a lot of modern health studies and statistics. I know that they use the methods they learned in school. I know that the chart my doctor is plotting Rowan's growth on is a piece of paper. I know that it's comparing him to babies who might also be formula fed. I know that it might also be using numbers from many years ago which don't apply to the way babies, breastfed babies, are growing today.

He is my baby and I know him best.

I was discouraged. So I asked for help. I know that I have friends and I know that I have family. I know that sometimes, Mom is right.

Now I can be strong and confident in my decision to keep breastfeeding the way I know and want to do. Thank you for that. I will try a few new things here and there, including calling a public health nurse to come chat with me about a variety of things, but most of all I will trust myself.

I had a lapse.

I know that now.

Love, Mama

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