Do I have Postpartum Depression?

Lately I've been feeling down. I've been moody, irritable and a bit sad. I can't put my finger on why. When I try to verbalize it it seems to come out all wrong. The best way to put it is that being a stay at home mom/raising a baby is really fucking hard. I know it's not all shit, even though I've been blogging about the hard stuff. When Rowan laughs, makes fantastic sounds, sits up by himself, gives me cuddles, smiles at his daddy, pees all over the place, does giant poos or pets the dog for the first time, those are all amazing moments that definitely round out the more difficult moments of crying and not sleeping, etc.

If I'm being honest, I must admit, I'm not feeling happy these days.

Either I'm experiencing Post Partum Depression, or I have a huge case of Cabin Fever.

Symptoms of PPD can occur anytime in the first year postpartum.^[6] These include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Sadness^[6]
• Hopelessness^[6]
• Low self-esteem^[6]
• Guilt^[6]
• A feeling of being overwhelmed
• Sleep and eating disturbances^[6]
• Inability to be comforted^[6]
• Exhaustion^[6]
• Emptiness^[6]
• Anhedonia^[6]
• Social withdrawal^[6]
• Low or no energy^[6]
• Becoming easily frustrated^[6]
• Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby^[6]
• Impaired speech and writing
• Spells of anger towards others
• Increased anxiety or panic attacks
• Decreased sex drive – see Sex after pregnancy

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Looking at these symptoms, I can see how any parent could be experiencing a number of these things all at once. Parenting is totally overwhelming. It's exhausting. You feel like shit. You look like shit. You can't think or do. Because you're tired, you have no energy, you snap, you can't speak properly, you're irritable. You definitely don't want to have sex. Especially if your baby just puked all over you or you've been chillin' in his puke all day because you haven't had a second to yourself to clean it all up. You're desperate for social interaction but just can't be bothered. If you have non parent friends you just feel like you're throwing up your mom problems all over them.

So is this PPD? Or is this just parenting? 

Coupled with the winter weather Halifax has been hit with lately and you've got one cooped up depressed Mama. It's not that I feel totally trapped. I know I can bundle up Rowan and go somewhere. But there's no where to go where it's easier and free. And to be honest, really honest, I need to go somewhere where he isn't. Physically and emotionally. It feels horrible, and it's so hard to explain. I would be with my baby every freakin' moment of the day. I would hold him to my face so I can kiss those cheeks a million times a second. I wold stare into those beautiful eyes for hours if he let me. But at the same time I want to run away.

I want to take a hot bath without hearing him cry in the background (even though Matt is with him)
or watch a few hours of mind numbing TV in a row, with junk food, without interruption
I want sleep. Consolidated. Warm. Glorious sleep.
I want to go to the movies with my husband.
I want to wear a bra. One that makes me feel like my boobs are not solely utilitarian masses attached to my person.
I want to wear clothes that fit and don't make parts of me bulge or hang out. Ones that make me feel attractive and secure. Ones that won't get puked on and reek of soured milk.
I want to get drunk.
I want to eat a meal. A full meal. A hot meal.

I don't need to get away for long. Just a little while.

Is anger on that list? Because sometimes I get angry. I can't help but feel like everyone has it easier than we do sometimes. I hate you because you have a washer and dryer in your house. Dude, if you have a house, I really hate you. It's stupid. But I do right now.

Not hate. Jealousy. Yep. I know it's jealousy. But I'm mad. So I'm going to say hate.

Oiy.

I've even thought about whether we made the right choice. Should we have had Rowan when we did? Maybe we should've waited? Should we have more children if this is how I'm feeling? If I'm being honest, I do have regrets for the teeniest of seconds, but it's only in those really low moments where everything just feels like it's too much. Rowan is amazing and watching him grow and helping to shape him into his own person, a member of my own little family is amazing.

I'm not sure if I have PPD or not. I do know that these feelings are common and that they probably have a lot to do with not being able to get out of the house. I'm hoping, really hoping, that as he becomes more independent and as we go from winter to spring, and I can get out of this freaking apartment I'll be able to find our rhythm and grow together in a positive and healthy way.

It's just hard. Really fucking hard.

Love, Mama

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